come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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