I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
