I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
