I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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