I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
