Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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