Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
