so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
