you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We had to coat check the pizza.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
