I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just saw a hot homeless man
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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