i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
nutella sex= disaster
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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