I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
