Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
