I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
