he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
