So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I deserve this hangover.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
