Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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