Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
