Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
