I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
