so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
