wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
