They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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