My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
