we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
