You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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