If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
