Pregnant stripper...not hot.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
