Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
