Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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