there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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