I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
