what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
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