peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
