I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
