he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
