haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
