Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
sex in a hospital.. check
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
