my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
