My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
