Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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