I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
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