Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
