Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
