pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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