I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
