he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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