Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
