She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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