he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
